Monday, December 17, 2012

Anti Monkey Butt

Ever been to a clown alley white elephant gift exchange? If not, join a clown alley JUST SO YOU CAN GO TO THE CHRISTMAS PARTY. In this post, I'll only be talking about one of the clown alley's gift exchanges. I will tell about the other one in a later post.
This Clown Alley (we'll call it Alley Z) has particularly complex rules for the gift exchange, eg gifts can be stolen a maximum of twice, first person also goes last (I don't even know how to explain how the order of gift opening went down. It was insane!) Slowpoke brought a fake gift and a real gift that he let you exchange if you felt it necessary (he neglected to inform us about the false bottom filled with dollar bills in the fake gift before it was exchanged). Another person brought, among other things, Anti Monkey Butt. Check it out!

Friday, October 5, 2012

Wally is a Punny Clown

At a clown alley meeting this week, Wally brought his brain prop with him and was messing around. I was cracking up!

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Holy Miscommunication Batman!

We have just arrived at a party. "Why is that clown so early, Mom?", I overhear. We're maybe 10 minutes early. That gives us set-up time. The Husband asks the family where he should set up; dad shows us where and the Husband shows the birthday boy that his red nose isn't real so he stops crying.
Then mom comes out. "What's your name?"
"The Husband."
"What about (insert Mexican friend clown name here)?"
"I'm his substitute," the Husband replies.
"What are you talking about?" she asks.
"He called me on Thursday. He said he needed me to do this party for him Because he couldn't do it, he had talked to you about me coming in his stead." This is standard procedure for us. We've done this at least 3 times.
Apparently the Husband's buddy did NOT tell then someone else was coming. We'll see what happens.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Kazoo

The Husband is rearranging his trunk of clown equipment (stuffing in the prizes!) when the Son picks the bright red kazoo off the floor. He sticks it in his mouth and proceeds to be the musical prodigy that he is (WHO YOU CALLIN' BIASED?!). The Husband is completely astonished. "He can work that kazoo!"
"Why, can't you?" I ask.
"NO!" the Husband exclaims.
Holding in giggles, I request to try the kazoo. The Son promptly hands it to me and I try it out. It works fine.
"Try blowing in a different way," I suggest.
The second attempt is not fruitful. The Husband laughs and says, "I can't do it!"
We all laugh together. The man who can make Buzz Lightyear out of balloons is incapable of playing the kazoo.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Ringling Bros 2012

We went to the circus last night with one of the Husband's clown alleys. The Husband loved the clowns, the Son loved the horses and elephants, and I loved the clash between Bonkers and the Crazy Conspiracy Theorist. Yes, those are 2 of the clowns who came with us and no Bonkers isn't actually bonkers...but yes Crazy Conspiracy Theorist actually is a crazy conspiracy theorist.
At intermission, Bonkers bought a pastel latex clown wig to please his daughter. Of course, he put it on his head and started babbling about how cool it is that he finally has hair again (he's a bald clown, how could he resist that line?). The Crazy Conspiracy Theorist from 4 rows behind him, stands up, marches down the stairs, bends down to him and says in an urgent low voice, "Bonkers, you take that silly thing off you right now!"
Bonkers shrugs and turns to talk to his daughter. Then he turns around to ask me, "Is it me?" After I had assured him that he looked fabulous, Bonkers continued to play around with his daughter talking up how great he looks in pink and having a good time. Suddenly I hear the Crazy Conspiracy Theorist say, "Bonkers. I do not know you." I look at the Husband trying not to snicker at the irony of the Crazy Conspiracy Theorist being embarrassed about being seen in the presence of Bonkers. The Husband grins at me when all of a sudden, Bonkers stands up and turns around. He puts on an extremely winning grin, waves as enthusiastically as possible and shouts, "HI CRAZY CONSPIRACY THEORIST! It's nice to see you here!"
Awesome.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Quantity of a certain beverage makes an impression.

This is never what I want to see when I walk into an elementary kid's party. We just got here, so it's too early to tell, but pray for happy drunks! (One day I'll tell the story of the mean drunk...)

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Decisions, Decisions

The Son is 3; he's in a highly impressionable age group. The Husband's at a magician's conference. He wants us to come see the final magic show.
"So what?" you're probably thinking. I'd be thinking that too, except it's a conference of Christian magicians who use magic to promote the gospel. The magic's so cool and good that it gets any kid's attention and mine will probably start believing whatever it is they tell him. For most people who live in our area, there's still no problem; yet for me, there is. The Son and I are Unitarian Universalists and I do NOT approve of theology being presented to him as an absolute truth. (The Husband and I have been married 9 years and I still don't know what his religious beliefs are, but then I don't think he does either.)
I'd like to go-there's good magic and really nice people there. I'm just trying to figure out if there's a way to prepare the Son for the magic show so he doesn't get indoctrinated.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Naked

It's the Husband's birthday. We're at a taqueria. The Son is having a good time eating a gordita and making faces like those of the actors in the novelas on the TV. Suddenly, I notice the Husband's gripping at nothing. I give him a funny look. "I don't have any magic tricks," he says.
"In your pockets?" I inquire.
"No, in my HANDS...I don't feel right without them."
I make a confused grunt.
"I don't have any magic tricks in my hands to mess around with."
"You mean, by not having magic tricks to obsessively play with you feel like you're walking around without any clothes on?"
"Yeah, that's right," he replies.
I just shake my head. Never try to get inside a clown's head.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

I let him clown at a party all by himself...

...and he comes home covered in flour and confetti!
Attack of the Flour Confetti Egg!

Bloodcurdling Screams are Beautiful

Last night, I sat the Son down at the table for a small snack of melon and cheese (he hadn't been hungry at dinner time). While I watched him eat, I saw him start letting melon fall out of his mouth. All of a sudden, he's gagging and he's making absolutely no sound at all. "HE'S CHOKING! HES CHOKING! HE'S CHOKING!", I scream. As I try to decide which to do first, 911 or Heimlich maneuver, there was a popping sound and it flew out of his mouth and onto his plate. The second the melon dislodged from his airway, the most horrifyingly long, loud, and shrill scream I've ever heard came out of his mouth. It's also the most beautiful sound I've ever heard. We are so grateful and blessed.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Make-up Teacher

The Husband has apparently graduated in the world of clown make-up.  Suddenly this summer he started helping two other men in his clown alley to develop their faces.  They've come over a couple of times to practice and they've had a wonderful time.  What's interesting is that the Husband went from this clown who had absolutely no confidence in his abilities to do his make-up and create a costume to someone who is teaching others how to do it.  It's been neat to see him blossom.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Different Socioeconomic Status, Different Ways of Spending Money

The Wife: I had this student who hadn't finished his work so I asked him if he wanted to finish it at home.
The Husband: Ok.
The Wife: He said he couldn't because his parents didn't have the money to buy him crayons.
The Husband: Ok.
The Wife: So I bought him some crayons to take home. Come January, all the kids are talking about what they got for Christmas. I get concerned thinking this student may not have gotten anything when I hear him say, "I got an Xbox."
The Husband: Huh.
The Wife: So I have to buy him crayons so his family can save up to get him an Xbox.
The Husband: Santa.
The Wife: What?
The Husband: It wasn't his family who got him the Xbox. It was Santa Claus.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

4th of July Parade 2012

Schedule
6-wake up
6:30-walk the Dog so he doesn't become as much of a maniac when the neighbors start setting off illegal firecrackers (usually it doesn't bother me, but we're in a major drought and if their house goes up in flames chances are it'll travel to mine)
7:00-breakfast and pretend not to be irritated by the Husband's inquiries about the symmetry of his make-up
7:30-get the Son ready for his day
8:00-friends come over so the Husband can put on their daughter's make-up
8:30-leave
9:00-start parade line-up

Here's what really happened:
6:00-asleep
6:30-still asleep
7:00-the Husband gets up to do his make-up so I stagger out of bed just as the Son dances in
7:05-convince the Son it would be better to wear clothes in public
7:10-go out with the Dog to backyard to do his business, go back inside so I can do mine
7:20-get the Son dressed while explaining the virtues of breakfast
7:22-pop a couple ibuprofen for headache and sore throat feel coming on...only I would get a cold in the summer
7:40-realize I can't convince the Son to eat because I honestly don't want to eat either
8:00-friends come over, have awesome time watching their little joey (child clown) get ready
8:55-"SON YOU WILL GO POTTY NOW BEFORE WE LEAVE OR FACE MY WRATH!"
9:00-friend's daughter looks FABULOUS, we're all excited!, get in respective vehicles, leave
9:30-parade line-up, leave the Husband and friend's daughter with clown alley (If you're reading this, I would like to cash in on my free hug now, Slowpoke!)
10:00-watch and enjoy an awesome patriotic parade with friends featuring some of my very favorite and the world's newest clown. Not too short, not too long, have an awesome time. The Son collects an obscene amount of candy
11:00-the ibuprofens that I had taken earlier wear off and suddenly I feel like I'm dying and have a fever

I'm glad I lasted long enough to really enjoy the parade with our friends, but I was really bummed that I had exposed them all to strep throat. Stay healthy y'all!

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Clowning's Still a Compulsion

Coins. I hate coins.
Not the concept of them having monetary value. I am fully in favor of us being able to divide the dollar into smaller denominations. I hate coins when The Husband is learning a new noisy coin trick.
It involves a champagne chiller and an invisible coin turning into a visible coin quite noisily. What's irritating now, is not only is he constantly practicing it in order to attain heretofore unseen levels of perfection, but HE ALREADY DOES IT PERFECTLY!!! So why is he still practicing? Does he want to drive The Dog and I over the edge?
I honestly don't think so. It's either a compulsion or the Husband genuinely thinks he needs to practice more ( its probably a combination of those things). So please, keep us in your thoughts, because if his compulsive low self-esteem behavior doesn't end soon, the champagne chiller may mysteriously disappear.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Business & Family Don't Go Together

"Did you talk to him about it yet?" I ask.
"No," says the Husband. Alarm bells go off in my head. We're 2 hours away from a party and he hasn't discussed price yet????
It's for his cousin; maybe the other cousins we've done parties for told him the price we gave them?
We're on the way to the party. "What price are you asking?"
"$80/hour."
"How many hours?"
"1 1/2."
Okay, so they must have discussed price. $120 is a lot of money.
We arrive at 4:30. No guests are there. Alarm bells go off in my head. The Husband is not going to start charging his cousin until his cousin asks him to start. I just know it. Even though the cousin asked him to show up at 4:30, he's not going to start the show until 5:30 or 6.
Ok. Fine. Family gets a discount. That's alright. I can live with that.
Fast forward to 9:00. The Husband asked me how long the show was. I'm really irritated, but I round way down for his cousin's sake. "An hour and a half?"
We say our good-byes. Lots of chitchat with the cousin. I look at the Husband's face. Something's not right.
I take the Son to the car, figuring the Husband will work it out. All of a sudden the Husband's at the car. "Please don't tell me 'I told you so."
The cousin didn't know the Husband charges for his show.
I didn't say "I told you so," but I sure thought it.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

2012 COAI Clown Convention Part 3

Remember the Mexican clowns in Part 1? They make and sell some pretty gorgeous clown costumes.
Speaking of which, I was awoken by The Husband at 2:00 am last Thursday. All the lights are blazing in the bedroom. The Husband has donned the new costume he's paid who-knows-how-much-for. "Do you like it?" he asks. Not even bothering to put on my glasses, I reply, "It's great" and pulled the blanket up over my head.
To be fair, he does look extremely cute in it and I'm excited for him to wear it to his next party but WOW. 2:00 in the morning? What's even more impressive was that he was out the door to go to his class at the community college about 6 hours later.

Monday, April 30, 2012

2012 COAI Clown Convention-Part 2

The Husband took me with! To two events! Woohoo!!!
Here's some pictures. I'll write with some more humor and details in a few days. I'm still recovering from all the late nights. (Clowns go ALL night.)

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

2012 COAI Clown Convention KC Part 1

The Husband called me last night around 9:30.  He said, "Don't wait up for me."
He was at the Clown Convention and he was having a blast.  Apparently, he had met some clowns from Mexico there.  They had come all the way from Mexico to be part of the convention.  I think he said they were some sort of vendor there.  He was going to be out late so he could take them out to eat. I think he wanted to pick their brains.
The Husband also said that he had taken a class about balloons, but I haven't been able to speak to him about what cool things he has learned because he left to return to the clown convention before I had even packed my lunch for work this morning.

Yes, I did type this while I was at work, but I did it to show my students how to create a blog post.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Vindicated at last!

Last weekend we took the Cuñada (my sister-in-law) and the Suegra (my mother-in-law) to Target. As we were walking around, the Husband pulls out his coins and I quote, "Ya no hagas de las monedas. Ya me aburrí," exclaims the Cuñada. (Loose translation: Enough with the coins already! I'm sick of it!)
"Hahaha!" I cackle. "See, it's not just me who dislikes being your magic guinea pig!" (That's a paraphrase, not a quote.) Apparently he'd been practicing his coin tricks on her all week because he was tired of me complaining!
Then I pulled out my smartphone and recorded exactly what the Cuñada said so I would be able to give you, my wonderful audience, an exact quote. Yet another reason I love my iPhone. I can keep track of ways to tease the Husband. :D

Saturday, April 14, 2012

No Fear

The Husband's family came to town from Mexico.  His brother, sister-in-law, nephew, mother, and sister all came.  The day before my brother-in-law left with his family (my sister-in-law and mother-in-law stayed longer), the Husband wanted to have an early birthday party for our nephew.  Should be a pretty simple, run-of-the-mill sort of thing for us, right?
Wrong.  Why?  The Nephew's AFRAID OF CLOWNS!!!!!!!  Since he resides in a different country than his uncle, the Husband, I suppose it's reasonable because he hasn't grown up seeing it like the Son has.  Usually, if we know a child at a party is going to be afraid of clowns, the Husband just leaves his make-up behind and wears one of his outfits.  The Husband, however, just couldn't allow that for the Nephew.  After all, this is a blood relative who is afraid of his beloved hobby.
So commenced Operation No Fear of Clowns.
Step 1.  Shop the thrift stores to put together an amazing clown outfit for the Nephew's mother (the Husband's Sister-in-law).
Step 2.  Every day for a whole week before the party, we told the Nephew that his uncle and his mom were going to dress up as clowns at the party.
Step 3.  The day of the party, the Nephew watched very attentively as the Husband did his own and the Nephew's mother's make-up.
Step 4.  Do an awesome magic show when the guests arrive.
And voilà, the kid thinks clowns are awesome.  Because they are.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

St. Patrick's Day Parade 2012

So the Son and I skipped the parade. We had a playdate. Way more fun than being at a parade that outlasts even an adult's attention span.
But...this parade was so big the Son and I GOT TO SEE THE HUSBAND WALKING HIS PET LOBSTER ON TV!!!!! How cool is that?!
Check out his new prop in the photo. What do you think?

Friday, March 16, 2012

A Second Blog

I've started a second blog about us having to switch to a gluten free diet. Can you imagine our Clown Family turning down a little kid at a birthday party when he asks us to eat some cake with him???? We will be strong! If you're interested, the URL is: we3glutenfree.blogspot.com

Don't worry, A Clown's Wife will continue to be my primary blog, I just figure the majority of this audience is uninterested in the dietary aspects of our lives. Tomorrow the Husband's going to be in another parade, so stay tuned to hear about how it went (the Son and I will be spectators this time) and how the Husband's new prop is received. Feel free to guess what you think it is in the comments section!

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Snake Saturday

On Saturday the Husband got myself and the Son to dress up in the parade with him. It was very fun, the Son was thrilled to see Joey in his new outfit (as we all were). Joey has a very silly new wig. There were some pretty cool costumes as you'll see below. And yes, the sign does say, "Kiss me I am single." (Kudos to Joey's friend!)

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Puppets Everywhere!

The Husband keeps picking up new puppets at thrift stores. They're very cute, yet highly worrisome. I already "DJ" from time to time for him; am I going to have to become a puppeteer as well?!

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Upstaged by a Lousy Act

The Husband has compunctions about talking badly about other clowns badly, must be in his clown code of ethics or something. I, however, am free to complain as much as I want. After all, I'm only the Wife.
There's a clown in our area called "El Zapaton" (The Big Shoe). His act is only comedy, which I do not necessarily have a problem with. I do however, have a problem with a clown who entertains at a young child's baptism or birthday party and the fun is always had at the children's expense with many not-so-subtle innuendos mixed in. You can probably tell why I have a problem with this clown.
The strange thing is, he is wildly popular among the Hispanic community in our area. He does numerous shows a day, charges $120 an hour, and we've yet to hear of him being involved in any kind of charity clowning. So, while I'm the first to admit my extreme bias, I do not think this clown should be allowed to entertain children.
Last night, we went to a friend's daughter's birthday party. As usual, the Husband spent about an hour prepping his magic tricks to entertain the guest of honor. This is kind of expected of him now, people usually call in advance to see if he's bringing his "toolbox."
We go to the party and the Husband sets his stuff in his usual corner to wait until after people ate. One child even comes up to ask for a balloon, but the Husband suggests they wait and see how many people show up because the balloons take up a lot of space. In the meantime, lots of people do show up. In the back of my mind, I consider calling the fire marshall ( just out of curiosity) to find out what the capacity of the apartment is.
Suddenly, the birthday girl is ushered into her bedroom so she won't see her surprise (who's at the apartment door) pass through the living room on his way to set up in the basement. It's El Zapaton. Ouch. Good thing the Husband had run out of time to do his clown makeup and had settled for a magician outfit instead.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Meet the Apes!

This is Coco the Chimp.
Children love her because she has an extremely squeaky mouth and she has extremely animated conversations with her husband Bobo the Orangutan.  They are an extremely funny couple.  Coco is very serious, while Bobo is extremely light-hearted.  In a couple days, I'll post a picture of Bobo.  You will immediately be able to tell how much more relaxed he is than Coco just by his demeanor.

Interestingly, Bobo and Coco just celebrated a new addition to their family.  Since Bobo and Coco are different species, they adopted (for more information about chimps adopting other chimps, click here) a baby monkey.
While Baby Jojo is not an ape, she is being raised to be an ape, so I've decided that it is okay for us to continue referring to them as "The Apes."  I think the chupie (that's our household's word for a pacifier) makes Jojo particularly endearing.  The Husband has not shared his plans for Jojo in his act with me, but I think her mere appearance in his show will be very cute.
I think Jane Goodall would be proud of us for not using real apes and monkeys. :D

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Smooth move.

We are in the waiting room at the lawyer's office. We are the only ones here. The Husband pulls out his coin to practice and promptly drops it as loudly as possible on the wood floor. Smooth.
I laughed because before he did that, you could've heard a pin drop. He was so embarrassed.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Dye Job

The Husband dyed a hat!!!!
It was a horrific khaki-like color (there's a reason the thrift store was only asking for a dollar). Now, it's a beautiful navy color that matches the Husband's mechanic clown costume.
The only problem is...I told him to wash the pot. I come home from the Son's friend's birthday party on Saturday and I find a pot with traces of dye all in it in my kitchen sink. Sitting there. Waiting. Screaming "Please wash me as I am a pot you still want to cook with!!!!"
Luckily, I think we'll all live the next time we cook in that pot. After all, I did wash it.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Annoying Coin Tricks

A couple weeks ago, the Husband sent me to the bank. My mission? Exchange 2 one dollar bills for 4 half dollar coins. How'd it go? Failure. The bank said they just don't have those coins.
So the Husband went to 2 more banks. Still nothing. Then, third time's the charm. He got his half dollars. Then after practicing with his new rare coins, he learned that there's a dollar coin that's gigantic. Now he's practicing with it...now I can't take him anywhere.
I thought the disappearing card trick for a week was the most annoying thing, but this tops that because of the irritating clinking sound the coin makes every single time it hits the floor. Can the Husband practice on carpeted floors? Apparently not. Can he limit his practicing to at home so the entire metro area doesn't see me get irritated with him? Also an impossibility. Waiting for a table at a restaurant, waiting for food at a restaurant, in the check-out line at Target, watching the Son play trains at Barnes and Noble, at day care...
The worst part is he's not mastering this one as quickly as he has other tricks...looks like I'm in for a few more weeks of this. Oh the sufferings of a clown's wife!
It's interesting that the Husbands was the one who suggested I post my irritation with him on the Internet. :D

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Good thing I'm not afraid of clowns...

...because this is what I woke up to yesterday morning. Apparently the Husband had gotten them at his clown alley meeting the night before.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Buzz Lightyear Balloon

The Husband made this for the Son's best friend's birthday. It took him about 2 hours to make and I'm guessing it's about 3 feet tall. It's the first time he's made a Buzz Balloon, but we think it came out pretty well for a first attempt. Now let's just hope it survives the car ride to the party!