Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Parking Lot Santa - Version 1

This is called Version 1 because The Husband would like to edit it.  Since I started this blog to be ornery and funny with him, I figure I'll type out how I remember him telling me the story last week (of course using my word choice) and if it's not to his satisfaction then I can post a Version 2 that is a better depiction of events.  Maybe we could vote on which one is more fun to read! Here's my version (even though I wasn't there):

The Husband was manning the phones at Chipotle (people call in orders).  A customer calls, the Husband takes his order.  "Is that all?  One burrito?" the Husband asks.  "You know, you don't have to call that in.  You can come to the restaurant and stand in line for that." (His snarky side doesn't get the best of him as easily as mine does).

"I know," the caller replies.  He hesitates.  "I need you to bring it out to the car for me."

Intrigued and better behaved than I am, the Husband waits for an explanation rather than demanding one.  "It's because I see a lot of kids in that line." (Things do not look like they are going well).

The Husband waits for more again.

Finally, "I'm dressed as Santa.  I'm between gigs.  I didn't bring a lunch with me.  If I go in there, I'll have to talk to every single kid and I'll be late for my next event."

"Not a problem at all," the Husband responds.  Santa tells the Husband where he's parked and the Husband gets his order together.

When the Husband goes out to Santa, Santa is very gracious.  The Husband thanks him.

"You know I understand where you're coming from," the Husband says.  Santa perks up interested.  "I'm a clown.  It's true.  Those kids would have never let you out."

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Merry Christmas 2011!

I got what I wanted!  The Husband had no parties today so I didn't have to help him ensure that his make-up was perfectly symmetrical; I didn't have to keep the Son out of his balloons; and I didn't have to watch for mistakes while he practiced magic tricks for the bajillionth time.  It's hard to help a clown get ready! :D
Have a magical Christmas!

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Joey Wannabe

The Son thinks Joey is among the more admirable people on the planet due to his physical comedy. (To read more about Joey's talents, click here.)  Part of Joey's act with the chair involves an incredibly powerful sneeze.  The sneeze has so much force behind it that it flips Joey's body around in the air and he lands with an exceptionally frightening thud on his back.  I don't know how he's not in constant agony due to the abuse he puts his body through.
A couple of days ago, the Son asked if he could watch my recording of Joey and the Chair on my phone.  I let him watch that part, then I took it back.  All of a sudden, I have a sneezing, somersaulting, three year old.  He stands up, "I'm Joey, Mama!"  He does it again, and again, and again.
The Husband comes home from work.  "What's he doing?", the Husband asks.
"Just watch," I say, knowing he'll figure it out any second.  After a couple sneezing somersaults the Husband whips out his cellphone to call Joey.  After a couple minutes of them giggling, the Husband suddenly says, "Hey!  If my kid ever starts trying to play with knives, it's all your fault!"
Let's hope the Son never sees Joey juggle knives again.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Balloon Traffic Signal

The Son had traffic light balloons at his birthday party. He liked them, but I still think that was a cop-out. If he can make a Pink Panther and a bicycle, how hard can it be for the Husband to get creative and make a train? :D
Still, it is pretty cool.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Clown at Daycare

Last Friday, my son and I had this conversation which is slightly paraphrased:
Wife: What'd you do at daycare today, Son?
Son: Was a clown daycare!
Wife: Wow! Did he make balloons?
Son: No, not Papá.
Wife: Did he do magic?
Son: No, not Papá.
Wife: Did he tell jokes?
Son: No, not Papá.
Wife: Did he at least have a puppet or something?
Son: No.
Wife: Well, what did he do?
Son: He go away. April scared clowns.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

For My Students

This story I wrote for my students and my son.  I wrote it while they were writing their own narratives so that they could better understand the process as well as identify the parts of story mountain (beginning, problem, rising action, climax, falling action & resolution).  I have changed all of the people's names in the story because I used real people's names, but the names of the elves remain the same. (Yes, the names were inspired by the Magic School Bus).

Cucu the Elf

            One Sunday evening in December, the Cortez family went to Chipotle for the Chipotle Employee Christmas Party.  They had closed the restaurant so that all of the employees could take a break and celebrate the holidays together.  Everyone was excited because there was going to be a piñata, cake, and presents at the party.
            The Cortez Family had been looking forward to the party all day.  All four members of the family were going: Mommy, Papá, Arnold, and Cucu the Elf.  Mommy, Papá, and Arnold are permanent members of the Cortez Family but Cucu is a December Member.  December Member means that Cucu only lives with the family between Thanksgiving and Three Kings’ Day.  The rest of the year, Cucu lives at the North Pole with Santa where he helps the other elves in the workshop.  During the holidays, however, Cucu’s job is to be a scout for Santa.  His assignment is to report back to Santa every evening on Arnold's behavior so that Santa can make a more informed decision about whether or not to put Arnold on the Nice List or on the Naughty List.
            Since they were going to a party, Cucu was nervous that Arnold would get excited and run off.  Cucu hated when he had to tell Santa bad things about Arnold because not only did Santa get really sad about it, but Cucu loved Arnold very much.  He wanted him to get what he wanted for Christmas.  Cucu thought it would be very wonderful for Arnold to get Cranky the Crane for Christmas, but he also knew that Arnold had to be an exceptionally good boy to get it.
            The whole family walked into the restaurant.  Papá went to set up his magic (he was going to be the entertainment) and Mommy looked around.  She was sad about the lack of decorations.  Arnold saw some kids, but he decided to go exploring instead of play with them.  Cucu followed him.
            As Arnold headed to the back seating area, Cucu was thinking about how he was pretty sure Arnold was about to get in trouble.  He wished that he could warn Arnold, but Santa had forbidden all of his Scout Elves from speaking to children five years ago in an effort to prevent another information leak such as that of the Great Leak of 2005 (ie Kids now know about the Scout Elves).  Just as Cucu was wishing Arnold would turn around and go back, Mommy appeared.  She knelt down in front of Arnold, “Arnold, you’re not allowed to come back here.  They want us all to stay up front so they only have to clean one area once the party is over.”
            “Oh good,” thought Cucu.  “He didn’t know he wasn’t supposed to do it!  So long as he doesn’t do it again, he won’t go on the Naughty List.”
            Unfortunately, about ten minutes later, Arnold decided he wanted to explore the back seating area again!  To Cucu’s horror, when Mommy then told Arnold to come back to where he was supposed to be, Arnold refused to do it!  Cucu was very sad as he watched Arnold sitting in time out.
            That night, after Arnold had gone to sleep, Cucu was troubled as he flew back to Santa’s workshop.  “What am I going to do?” thought Cucu.  “The Boss is going to be so disappointed.”  Cucu could hardly bear the thought of the tear that might roll down the Big Man’s face.
            Once he was back at Santa’s workshop, he waited in line with the other elves.  Cucu asked the other elves for advice.  “How can I tell Santa?  Arnold was already punished by his mommy.  It doesn’t seem right that he shouldn’t get his present from Santa either.”  The other elves, Eye and Nate, told Arnold that it would be better for Arnold if Cucu just kept a stiff upper lip and told Santa the truth.  Eye told Cucu, “Once, I started to lie to Santa about something Ralphie had done.  Santa always knows though.  He could tell I was lying and he started to think that Ralphie had asked me to lie.  I had to tell him the truth because if he thought Ralphie was making me lie, Ralphie wouldn’t have gotten anything for Christmas at all.”
            Soon it was Cucu’s turn to talk to Santa.  When he told Santa what had happened at the party, Santa looked thoughtful.  “Did Arnold tell his mommy that he was sorry once he finished time out?” he inquired.  Cucu nodded.
            “How long were you at the party after Arnold finished being in time out?” asked Santa.  Cucu thought carefully.  He wanted to be sure to give Santa all of the details accurately.
            “I’m pretty sure we were there for an hour more.  It’s harder for me to keep track of time when I’m with the Cortezes.  Time feels different with them than it does at the North Pole,” confessed Cucu.
            “Oh, that’s because we’re so close to magnetic north.  It confuses elf perceptions,” explained Santa.  “When you’re with the Cortezes time would feel different to you than it does here.”
            “Hmm,” mused Cucu.
            “Well, it sounds like Arnold was truly remorseful.  Not only did he say he was sorry, but he did not repeat his misbehavior.”  Santa tapped his nose.  “True remorse counts a lot with me.  I don’t think this will move him to the Naughty List.  If he continues as he has begun, he should still be able to get Cranky for Christmas.”
Then Santa became stern.  “I know you love Arnold, but Cucu, you must remember to not give in to temptation.  I don’t ever want you to even THINK about warning him again.  Breaking that rule could require a new assignment for you.”
Santa winked at Cucu’s shocked expression.  “Santa always knows.”
So it was with a happier heart that Cucu returned home to his December household.  He snuck into the house and hid behind Arnold's train set.  "I wonder how long it'll take Arnold to find me today?" he wondered.  He put on his customary smile and waited for outside to return so Arnold could wake up and they could see each other once more.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

The Husband's First Photo Op

On Tuesday, the Husband received an email from one of his clown alleys.  He comes to me confused. "Someone's willing to take professional pictures of me which I can then use to make a portfolio.  What's the catch?"  I look at the e-mail.  I can't find a catch.  (Isn't there ALWAYS a catch?)  "Call your clown alley president," I advise.
On Thursday, the Husband calls his clown alley president to ask what the catch is. The clown alley president gives the Husband the photographer's number.  So he calls her, she e-mails him all the photo release paperwork, and there's not really a catch.  We just can't sell the pictures for money (and we'd be paying for prints).  What an awesome deal!
So to recap: the deal was he show up with all of his different costumes, props, balloons, etc. and let this professional stock photographer take his picture for a few hours, give her a release to sell those pictures, and he can reproduce them as much as he wants so long as he does not sell them.
(Here is a link to the photographer's website.)
He had an awesome day.  The Husband said the pictures were amazing and he can't wait for them to be ready for him to download off the photographer's website.
Update:  Before this blog was published, the Husband received the beginning of his photos.  Here's one of them:

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Ronald McDonald Just Doesn't Cut It

We had a crazy day on Wednesday, so I took the Son to McDonald's for dinner.  While he was eating, I started examining his milk jug and I noticed Ronald McDonald surfing on the milk.
"Hey look, Son, there's a clown on your milk!" I exclaim.
"Huh???!", he says.  Then he bent his neck to examine the milk jug closer.  "That Papá??" he inquires.
I struggle not to snort, "No, that's a different clown," I explain.
He cocks his head and asks, "What that name?"
"That's Ronald McDonald," I answer.
"Oh." He shrugs and goes about his business.  Ronald McDonald isn't cool if he's not your dad.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

My Crazy Husband

We've been to two parties in the last week-one was a magician group, the other a clown alley. The magicians were fun-lots of awesome tricks (I can now make a cup disappear) as well as some good puns. "Be slick, it's careful out!"
The Husband's sanity, however, came into question when we were at one of his clown alley's parties. The Husband has a friend (we'll call him Joey) who is a master of all things slapstick, juggling, and make-up all at the age of 19. I see the two of them talking conspiratorially in a corner while we're eating dinner. I figure they're just planning some silly gag so I proceed to watch the Son's and my back. When the entertainment (Joey) begins, I also pay careful attention because I know the Husband must be involved somehow.
Finally, Joey summons the Husband to the front for his final act. To my horror, the Husband lies down on the floor and allows Joey to juggle gigantic knives above the Husband's body. During the show, I pretend not to freak out as the Son's in my lap and for him this sort of weirdness is situation normal, Papá's doing something crazy with Joey again. When we get home, however, I do not neglect to inquire after the Husband's mental health. "Hadn't you seen Joey drop the plastic ring when he was juggling earlier?"
"He just did that to make everyone more nervous."
Due to the plausibility of the explanation, I concede, but I can't help but wonder what would have happened if Joey had had to sneeze?